I made a joke about this the last time some Republicans brought it up. Before anyone is allowed to receive communion they must undergo a questionnaire and a thorough background check and must have the appropriate ID so that a priest may know that they are good to receive communion.
We can have an app for it. WOW! For a bunch of individuals yapping about invasions of Civil Liberties they sure have their heads shoved up other people’s business. “Love one another,” unless.
The app will ask questions such as if you are divorced or contemplating divorce or have looked at another with lust in your heart or accidently and without malice or forethought glanced at the cute individual that was hot moments before you were about to receive. Have you ever killed anyone either in a war or by leaving them in the streets homeless or not coming to their defense ?
Have you told your significant or insignificant others off and not really forgiven them and do you avoid the holidays because they are annoying and watch a News station that just makes things up so that they might obtain a huge profit while smacking their lips and getting drunk on cheap hooch and then rooting for the wrong team ? Hmm. The App will know.
Do you wish that President or some other political figure will just keel over of some dreaded disease or make up fake stories about them ? Bingo, the App understands.
Do you misrepresent the truth when you came home late for work and stopped off to have a drink and then stated, “I was doing overtime.”
When the company you despise working for overpays you and you knew you deserved a raise and you didn’t tell them the App will retain it all.
And when was the last time that you went to confession and did you tell the absolute truth or did you hold back a little ? You got the App will know.
Do you look at an enemy and think, “What a Bastard,” once again it will all be on the App.
Have you worked hard for that promotion and have a feeling of superbia-pride because you made yourself who you are and have a beautiful wife, a nice house and 3 charming children ? Shame on you.
Do you talk about how superior you are to others and how Jesus loves you more than them ?
Naughty. Naughty. Have you done this while shoving another burger down your gullet while guzzling a 148 oz caffeinated beverage and then not want to get get out of bed when only one of your emotional traits was working properly and it wasn’t happiness ? Begone.
Do you spread rumors about the woman who had an Abortion when she was raped. Banish-ed.
Eat before receiving Holy Communion and think the sermon was long and boring. You are on a roll.
Lust in you heart ? Girl you are getting good at this.
Are you sorrowful because things aren’t working out in life the way that you planned and given to despair and despondency and are not trusting in God because you don’t see eye-to-eye or know who it really is ?
Have you rushed out of church to go see a ballgame instead ?
Anger, Arrogance, Bitterness, Blasphemy, Boasting, Brutality, Brother going to Law your against brother (oh girl), carousing, clamoring (what’s that even mean?), Carousing, Clamor, Complaining, Conceit, Coveting, Cowardice, Deceit, Defrauding. Or how about these ? Fathers, provoking children to wrath, Fearfulness, Filthiness, Foolishness, Foolish talking Fornication (or sexual immorality), Greed, Lust, lusting, Haters of God, Hatred, Hypocrisy, Idolatry, Immorality, graven, images, Impurity, Jealousy, Jesting, Judging, Knowing to do good but not doing it, Laying up treasures on earth, Living for pleasure, Lovers of self, Loving another person more than Jesus, Lusting after another, Lying, Malice, Man praying or prophesying with head covered (except the Pope), Murder, Murmuring, complaining, suicidal ideations and telling some they aren’t fat or ugly when they are. No communion for you.
Should my sins be between me and God ? And if you point out my sins publicly isn’t that a sin ? This gets tricky.
But wait there is more. How about these:
Quarrels, Reviling, Sensuality, Slander, Strife, Swearing an oath (all our presidents), Unbelief, Unforgiveness, Ungodliness, Ungratefulness, Unholiness, Unrighteousnes Wickedness, Woman cutting her hair short, Woman with her Head uncovered (forget about it-1970),Woman speaking or teaching in public.
This List is getting kind of judgmental. And we haven’t even gotten to the Big Ten. Don’t forget while contemplating all these things to love thy dingbat neighbor and the person who cut you off in traffic and the boss who overworks you and the one who blatantly cheats at golf while gloating and telling you how great they are, and not paying their taxes or feeding the poor to keep holy the Lord’s day with your whole heart and soul and love your neighbor as yourself. That is if you can while endeavoring to keep all these rules. Hmm. Don’t forget to be in constant prayer.
And make sure you do that even after you have lost your child, gave up your job and found your partner cheating on you and the loving and caring church turned it’s back on you while watching Fox News. And don’t forget to do all this with a smile on your face and a good disposition, being scrupulous without leading to scrupulosity. Got it ?
Awhile back I decided to look up the definition of sin in Wikipedia. It was fascinating to see how scholars throughout the ages couldn’t seem to agree.
Maybe life and existence is more about practicing the Beatitudes. Be Attitudes.
And that reminds of a story. Once upon a time, while in church my mind was prodding me to go to confession and the I that is I didn’t want to go. So I went.
“My last confession was three years ago and I confess my whole life.” And all that just made me feel miserable with a touch of relief in my new found humility and brevity.
Jesus didn’t seemed to be to concerned about listening to one’s sins that came about much later. He was furious when the high and mighty sinners abused the lowly.
The Apostles were Jewish and they received.
Judas received communion. Are the individuals wanting to ban Biden forgiving him seven times seventy? None are worthy. As my priest often reminds me when we point one finger at someone else we point three at ourselves.
The App is going to be great. It will take only four hours to complete the first portion of the survey, and if you are able to continue after that, there will be a second part that will make you even more self-righteous and joyous.
And then when you are done with that we will have the Psychiatry App.
The pastor at church who I believe to be very apolitical (“May the Bears win this Sunday despite their horrible offense,”) stated, “Communion is made for Sinners.”
Repeat. “Communion is made for Sinners.”
“We all fall short of the Glory of God.” Well except for me on a good day.
All are Welcome… Unless. And that’s my story and I’m sticking to it as I go on the journey from Paul to Saul and the atheists are laughing.
Originally published at http://www.slackivist.com.